1
00:00:02,368 --> 00:00:06,538
♪ Thank you for being a friend
2
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:10,575
♪ Traveled down the road
and back again
3
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:12,010
♪ Your heart is true
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:16,915
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
5
00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:21,119
♪ And if you threw a party
6
00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:25,524
♪ Invited everyone you knew
7
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♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me
8
00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:31,797
♪ And the card attached
would say
9
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:38,469
♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪
10
00:00:51,317 --> 00:00:53,751
(♪ guitar strumming)
11
00:00:59,291 --> 00:01:02,661
(high voice)
♪ Puff the magic dragon
12
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:05,263
♪ Lived by the sea
13
00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:08,100
♪ And frolicked
in the autumn mist
14
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♪ In a land called Honah Lee
15
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♪ Puff the...
Thank you!
16
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:17,476
That was...
very odd.
17
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,844
If I increase my steroids
by 100 milligrams,
18
00:01:19,846 --> 00:01:22,814
I can sing
just like Barbara Mandrell.
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Would that get me on the show?
No.
20
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:29,387
But if you're ever in prison, I bet
it'd get you everyone's dessert.
21
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Oh, this is terrible.
22
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The Ladies Auxiliary puts me
in charge of the variety show,
23
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and we can't come up
with one decent act.
24
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:41,833
It's too bad we're not back
in St. Olaf.
25
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,102
Why? They have a lot of talent
back in St. Olaf?
26
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:47,873
No. It's lunchtime there.
27
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:51,743
I could really go
for a smoked kipper hero.
28
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All right,
who's auditioning next?
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I'm next.
30
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,050
Ma! What the hell
are you doing here?
31
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I gnawed through my leather restraints
and outran the new guard dog.
32
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,856
I'm here for the audition.
33
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Forget it. You force your way
into the show every year,
34
00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,761
and every year,
it's a total disaster.
35
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,764
You can't sing, you can't
dance, you can't tell jokes.
36
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I'm sorry,
you can't be in the show.
37
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:17,769
"You can't be in the show.
You can't be in the show."
38
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,738
Who are ya - Ricky Ricardo?
39
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For your information, I'm not here to audition.
Why are you here?
40
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,178
I realized I had no talent,
41
00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:29,214
so I decided
to become an agent.
42
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:33,451
Why Ryan O'Neal hasn't come to the same
conclusion, I'll never understand.
43
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,621
Anyway, I'm proud to announce
44
00:02:36,623 --> 00:02:39,023
I'm the exclusive
worldwide representative
45
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:41,125
of the Donatello Triplets!
46
00:02:44,063 --> 00:02:46,464
Hit it, my magnificent
little songbirds.
47
00:02:50,135 --> 00:02:53,871
♪ I don't wanna take it anymore
48
00:02:53,873 --> 00:02:57,608
♪ I'll just stay here
locked behind the door
49
00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:00,378
♪ Just no time
to stop and get away
50
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:04,783
♪ 'Cause I work so hard
to make it every day
51
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,651
♪ Ooh-ooh
52
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:08,286
♪ Ooh-ooh
53
00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:10,254
♪ And it's hard to say
54
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:11,890
♪ Just how some things
never change
55
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♪ And it's hard to find
56
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:16,228
♪ Any strength to draw the line
57
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:19,764
♪ Oh, I'm just burning,
doing the neutron dance
58
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,234
♪ Oh, I'm just burning,
doing the neutron dance ♪
59
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,035
What do you think?
They're adorable!
60
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Love 'em!
They're perfect for the show.
61
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:29,206
Take five.
Go wait in the van.
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00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:34,312
It's not professional to have
them here while I'm negotiating.
63
00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:37,148
Negotiating?
Sophia, this show is for charity.
64
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:40,919
The word "charity" is not
in a good agent's vocabulary.
65
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,820
Ma, thank you very much
for your time,
66
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:45,323
but there are plenty
of other talented people here
67
00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:48,226
willing to do the show
for free. Who's next?
68
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,996
The Sklarkievich Brothers.
69
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:54,199
(Slavic accent) Hello.
I am Misha Sklarkievich.
70
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:57,802
My brother Andrzej
is still in Poland.
71
00:03:57,804 --> 00:04:00,872
Why don't you show us
what you can do?
72
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,708
Is better with my brother.
73
00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,443
Hey!
74
00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:07,979
Hey!
75
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,281
Hey!
76
00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:19,023
Is better with my brother.
77
00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:24,129
If you change your minds,
you know where to find me.
78
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:33,304
Dorothy, I have terrible news.
79
00:04:33,306 --> 00:04:35,440
We don't have an MC
for the talent show.
80
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:39,844
Kent Ferguson, the KTMB
weatherman, has just dropped out.
81
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,779
You have to be kidding.
What happened?
82
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:45,116
He's filling in for Willard
Scott on the Today show.
83
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,119
It seems Willard ate
some bad scallops on the air
84
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,855
that he got through the mail.
85
00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:55,426
He wandered
over to the critics' corner
86
00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:58,029
and lost his cookies
on Gene Shalit.
87
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:02,199
Gene thought it was
because Willard disagreed
88
00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:05,136
with his review
of The Accidental Tourist.
89
00:05:06,805 --> 00:05:09,907
Willard apologized
and left the studio.
90
00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:13,044
Officially, they're saying
he's "on assignment."
91
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,945
Well, at least
some good came of it.
92
00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:18,182
It's about time someone threw up
on Gene Shalit.
93
00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:24,722
Oh, volunteering
to organize this variety show
94
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:26,891
is the worst idea
we have ever had.
95
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:30,227
We've hardly sold any tickets,
we can't find an MC
96
00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:32,229
and every act
that we have auditioned
97
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:33,998
is awful.
98
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,302
Dorothy, I've got some good news.
I've had a change of heart.
99
00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:39,904
I'll let the triplets
be in your show for free.
100
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:43,975
Why, Sophia, that's w...
You don't know how much good this does us.
101
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:48,246
Wait just a minute. What's the catch?
That is so typical of you.
102
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,247
Why do you automatically assume
103
00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:53,184
because I'm trying to do
something nice there's a catch?
104
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:56,888
So there isn't a catch.
I didn't say that.
105
00:05:56,890 --> 00:06:00,191
It just ticks me off that you
automatically assume there's one.
106
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,026
Ma, what is it you want?
107
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,296
For the moment, only for you
to feast your eyes on...
108
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:08,533
the Great Alfonso!
109
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:11,136
The Great Alfonso!
110
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:12,871
Seymour.
111
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,740
Hello, I'm the Great...
112
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:18,743
I'm the Great...
Alfonso.
113
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,745
What?
114
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:22,847
Pull the damn rabbit
out of your hat!
115
00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:24,381
Oh, right. Right.
116
00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:27,185
Abracadabra, hocus-picus...
117
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:30,455
Pocus.
My God, where's the damn rabbit?
118
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,891
I left it in the other hat.
119
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,259
Sophia, he's terrible.
120
00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:37,428
No, he's not.
He's terrific.
121
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:39,997
Oh, you mean the act?
We'll work on that.
122
00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:42,967
So that's it.
123
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,470
You're willing to give us
the Donatello Triplets
124
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:48,005
if we put your new boyfriend
in the show.
125
00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:49,541
That's blackmail.
126
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:51,375
That's show business.
127
00:06:54,512 --> 00:06:57,182
Hi, girls.
How's everything going? Awful.
128
00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:01,019
Kent Ferguson canceled.
We don't have an MC for the talent show.
129
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,654
We don't even have any talent
for the talent show.
130
00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:05,656
The whole thing's
gonna be a disaster.
131
00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:08,159
I'll be the laughingstock
of the Ladies Auxiliary.
132
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,261
Oh, honey...
133
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:13,064
Would it help if I got Bob Hope
to be our MC?
134
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,300
How are you
going to get Bob Hope?
135
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,902
Easy. He's my father.
136
00:07:26,378 --> 00:07:29,813
Rose, have you been forgetting
to wash the fruit
137
00:07:29,815 --> 00:07:31,649
before you eat it?
138
00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:35,286
I'm serious.
Bob Hope is my father.
139
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,822
Well, sort of.
I mean, he could be, maybe.
140
00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:40,658
Rose, what the hell
are you talking about?
141
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:43,127
There's something
I've never told you girls.
142
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,629
I spent the first
eight years of my life
143
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,665
at the St. Olaf orphanage.
144
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:51,002
Gunther and Alma Nylund
are my adoptive parents.
145
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,705
How come you never told us
about this before?
146
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:56,808
I loved my parents so much,
I really never think about it.
147
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,710
But I sure did
before I became their daughter.
148
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:03,347
When I was at the orphanage,
I used to daydream all the time
149
00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:05,916
that my real parents
would knock on the door
150
00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,952
and take me away.
151
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:09,753
So, like most of the kids there,
152
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:12,790
I started fantasizing
about who they might be.
153
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:16,927
I had a particularly clear
picture in my head of my father.
154
00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:20,030
Anyway, one day,
they took us all to the movies,
155
00:08:20,032 --> 00:08:22,833
and when Bob Hope
came on the screen,
156
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,670
I stood up and yelled,
"My God, that's my father!
157
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,605
That's him!"
158
00:08:36,148 --> 00:08:41,553
Rose, honey, you...
don't still actually believe that?
159
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,655
Believing that got me through
some very rough times, Blanche.
160
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:47,525
I mean, whenever I had
a problem I couldn't solve,
161
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:51,095
I'd just write Bob Hope a letter
or go to one of his movies,
162
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:54,332
and suddenly I was able
to work it all out.
163
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:57,669
All my life, I always felt
he was there if I needed him.
164
00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,538
That's why I know
he won't let me down now.
165
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:04,575
I don't know whether
to cry or commit you.
166
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:08,012
You just leave it to me.
I know in my heart he'll be here.
167
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:10,848
Rose, just so
I get this straight,
168
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:13,851
you never actually
met Bob Hope?
169
00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:17,387
No. But I'm sure
looking forward to it.
170
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:21,558
(sobbing)
171
00:09:25,864 --> 00:09:29,867
And now I'd like to thank
all those bake-sale participants
172
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:36,107
who raised money for the religious
cult deprogramming center.
173
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,609
I'm happy to report
174
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:42,980
that Doris Levy's son Marshall
is now back in law school.
175
00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:48,485
Now it's time for an update
on our biggest
176
00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:51,789
and most important charity
fund-raiser of the year -
177
00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:54,792
the annual
hospital variety show benefit.
178
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:58,796
I'd like to call on our chairman
Dorothy Zbornak for an update.
179
00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:00,998
Dorothy?
180
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,234
Well, I'm...
(clears throat)
181
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:07,638
I'm very happy to report that,
uh, this year's variety show
182
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,074
is really coming along.
183
00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:12,310
The first thing
I'd like to discuss -
184
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:13,777
Yes, Frieda?
185
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,814
I heard that ticket sales
are not going very well,
186
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:19,717
I heard you have not been able
to find any good talent
187
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:22,219
and I heard that Kent Ferguson
has canceled
188
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:24,589
and we don't have an MC
for the show.
189
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:27,391
I heard you've been sleeping
with the Japanese guy
190
00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:31,328
who blows the leaves
out of your driveway!
191
00:10:36,201 --> 00:10:39,370
It so happens Dorothy is
doing a terrific job.
192
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:42,006
Matter of fact, she's in
the middle of negotiations
193
00:10:42,008 --> 00:10:46,077
with some very big-name
celebrities to be our MC.
194
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,278
Like who?
195
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,515
Well, like...
196
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:51,682
Great news!
197
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:54,352
We've got Bob Hope for our MC!
198
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:58,556
Nice work, Dorothy.
Meeting adjourned.
199
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:03,127
(Blanche) Goodbye, ladies.
(Dorothy) See you soon.
200
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:06,163
Take care. Bye-bye.
201
00:11:07,266 --> 00:11:09,267
Rose, how did you get Bob Hope?
202
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,069
Well, I called his office.
203
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:12,770
I have to talk to you.
Not now, Ma.
204
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:15,940
What did he say?
I didn't talk directly to Bob Hope.
205
00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:17,709
Alfonso has a new trick.
Give him your keys.
206
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,177
Who did you talk to, his agent?
No.
207
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:23,981
This is one of those mental tricks
you're gonna love. Who did you talk to?
208
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:26,484
A very nice receptionist
at NBC.
209
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:29,320
I am focusing all me powers
on this metal object.
210
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:30,655
That's idiotic!
211
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:33,157
No, be patient.
It's a very good trick.
212
00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:35,159
You're basing this whole thing
213
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:37,161
on a conversation you had
214
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:39,497
with a telephone operator
at NBC?
215
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:42,700
We're going to have to go and tell
everyone it was all a big mistake.
216
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,368
Voilà!
Oh, will you...
217
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:47,605
I thought you'd be...
Just go. Go.
218
00:11:52,611 --> 00:11:54,278
All my keys are bent.
219
00:11:59,651 --> 00:12:02,553
Don't just stand there.
Applaud the man.
220
00:12:10,829 --> 00:12:13,263
How'd it go, Dorothy? Awful.
221
00:12:13,265 --> 00:12:15,265
When I told everyone
at the club
222
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:18,102
that Bob Hope wasn't
going to be in the show,
223
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:19,837
they actually booed me.
224
00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:23,674
Ohh. I've never been so
humiliated in my entire life.
225
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:27,277
Aw, come on.
You've been humiliated plenty.
226
00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:31,649
Remember when you tried out
for cheerleading in high school?
227
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,918
Ma, why do you
constantly look for ways
228
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,320
to amuse yourself
at my expense?
229
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:40,124
Because we don't have cable,
and I can't crochet.
230
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:43,760
This is who I am, Dorothy.
231
00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:46,397
Learn to live with it
or medicate me.
232
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,365
I still can't believe
233
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,634
that Rose caused
all this trouble.
234
00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:51,803
Unbelievable.
235
00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,305
This whole fantasy
about Bob Hope is sick.
236
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:55,439
Sick.
237
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,441
If she's gonna have fantasies,
238
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,811
they ought to be
the normal, healthy kind -
239
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:03,748
like sweaty Argentinean
cowboys whipping things
240
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:08,518
while they ride naked
on the back of Brahma bulls.
241
00:13:14,226 --> 00:13:18,028
I have to remember
to stop using your towels.
242
00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:22,966
This Rose/Bob Hope thing
reminds me
243
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,870
of a similar situation
back in my village.
244
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:29,172
Florence Pontevecchio
used to fantasize
245
00:13:29,174 --> 00:13:32,410
that Alberto Bolognese
was her brother.
246
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:36,214
Who was Alberto Bolognese?
He was the boot maker in the village.
247
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,815
What's so special about that?
248
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,685
Did I say it was special?
I said it was similar.
249
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,687
I'm having a cup of tea,
talking.
250
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:44,922
The two of you
have a look on your face
251
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:47,892
like you paid for
Phantom of the Opera tickets.
252
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:52,129
Excuse me for not being
Somerset Maugham.
253
00:13:52,131 --> 00:13:54,398
Better I should
say nothing from now on
254
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,202
and sit here like a pincushion!
255
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,705
Hi, girls.
Did Bob Hope call?
256
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:03,507
Rose, will you stop
being an idiot?
257
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,509
Bob Hope is not gonna call,
258
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:08,512
and he is not
gonna MC our show.
259
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:12,049
Why, what do you mean?
I said he'd be here, and he will.
260
00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:15,953
Rose, Rose, this is not
Miracle on 34th Street.
261
00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:20,791
You are a grown woman holding on
to childhood fantasies.
262
00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,694
Bob Hope is not your father.
263
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,830
He has no idea who you are,
264
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:28,766
and he's not about to come
anywhere near this place.
265
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:31,202
That's not true.
He's here in Miami.
266
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,871
It's right in today's paper.
267
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,874
She's right - he is
in a golf tournament here.
268
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,576
Apology accepted.
269
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:42,179
Rose, what the hell
are you talking about?
270
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,916
That doesn't mean
he's gonna be in our show.
271
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,316
Don't you see, Dorothy?
272
00:14:46,318 --> 00:14:49,319
He's here in Miami
because he knows I need him.
273
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:52,690
This is all working out.
I can feel it.
274
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:54,791
Dorothy, I think
I might have a way
275
00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:57,561
to get Mr. Hope
to be in our show after all.
276
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,964
Why don't we go
to the golf tournament,
277
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:02,466
find Mr. Hope
and explain our situation?
278
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,869
He's always doing
charity events.
279
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:08,172
I guess it's worth a shot. Yeah.
280
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:10,274
You don't have to go
through all that trouble.
281
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:13,244
He'll be at the show.
What you need is faith.
282
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:17,514
And what you need is a psychiatrist
who enjoys a challenge.
283
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:26,890
Excuse me, you guys got
any extra shaving cream?
284
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:28,258
Sure.
285
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:37,735
Oh, this is so weird.
286
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:40,638
I've never been in
a men's locker room before.
287
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,642
Neither have I.
I really like the new carpet they...
288
00:15:49,514 --> 00:15:50,948
Me neither.
289
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,551
This is ridiculous.
This is never gonna work.
290
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,853
Listen, the caddy said Mr.
Hope just finished his round of golf.
291
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:59,557
He's gotta be in here somewhere.
What if he is?
292
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:02,559
He's not about to do a favor
for three people
293
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:06,130
who look like Sam Snead
with a hormone problem.
294
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,532
Look, you two stay here.
295
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:11,167
I'm gonna check out
the rest of the locker room.
296
00:16:11,169 --> 00:16:13,838
I'll start with the Jacuzzi.
You don't know where the Jacuzzi is.
297
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,607
Yeah, it's just down the hall,
second door...
298
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:19,143
I'll ask somebody.
299
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,545
This has been a nightmare.
300
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:25,715
Oh, don't worry, Dorothy.
It's all gonna work out.
301
00:16:25,717 --> 00:16:28,385
Because Bob Hope...
Bob Hope won't let us down.
302
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:29,719
Right.
303
00:16:29,721 --> 00:16:32,956
Rose, Rose, I have known you
for over five years.
304
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:36,726
In that time, I have heard
the most bizarre stories
305
00:16:36,728 --> 00:16:39,163
I have ever heard
in my entire life.
306
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,831
There was Clovis
the two-headed mule
307
00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:44,468
who skied backwards
on buttermilk.
308
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:48,005
It was cottage cheese.
309
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:51,242
The point is, Rose,
this Bob Hope story is odd,
310
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,110
even for you.
311
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:56,347
Bob Hope's gone.
We just missed him. Oh, what?
312
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,849
I saw him getting into a
limousine and driving away.
313
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,551
They said he's going to the airport.
That can't be.
314
00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:03,553
The show is tomorrow tonight.
315
00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:06,423
He wouldn't leave before that.
He knows I'm depending on him.
316
00:17:06,425 --> 00:17:09,759
There must be some other
explanation. Maybe...
317
00:17:13,131 --> 00:17:15,466
Maybe I'm just
a foolish old woman
318
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:20,337
who's lived a silly fantasy
her whole life.
319
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:22,573
Oh...
Honey.
320
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:25,609
Now... now, honey.
Oh, honey.
321
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:36,720
All right, that's it.
322
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,756
We gotta get that antique dealer
off the membership committee.
323
00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:46,564
♪ And what he knows
you ain't got time to learn
324
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,698
♪ These boots are made
for walkin'
325
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,767
♪ And that's just what
they'll do
326
00:17:50,769 --> 00:17:55,372
♪ One of these days these boots
are gonna walk all over you ♪
327
00:17:59,544 --> 00:18:02,446
(applause)
328
00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:06,217
The Donatello Triplets,
ladies and gentlemen.
329
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:10,988
I'll bet those boots
have more miles on them than -
330
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,090
Uh...
331
00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:17,027
"...Joan Collins' waterbed."
332
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:19,964
(muted laughter)
333
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:22,499
Her waterbed.
334
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:25,302
And now I have a real treat
for you -
335
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:29,707
straight from Poland,
the Sklarkievich Brothers!
336
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,710
(applause)
337
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,811
Where's your brother?
Oh, do the best you can.
338
00:18:36,514 --> 00:18:38,249
Hey!
339
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,350
Hey!
340
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:41,051
So? Do we go on next?
341
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:42,987
Ma, I can't let him.
342
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:44,855
Hey, I let you have
the Donatello Triplets.
343
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:46,724
A deal is a deal.
344
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:49,627
Sophia, Alfonso will only
embarrass himself.
345
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,962
Please. If he was worried
about being embarrassed,
346
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,533
he wouldn't walk around with
that much hair in his ears.
347
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:58,369
Besides, he called
his old vaudeville partner,
348
00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,871
and they've perfected
one of their old tricks.
349
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:03,607
(thud/booing)
350
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:04,875
I know, I know.
351
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:07,444
It's better with your brother.
352
00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:11,348
Well, it can't get any worse.
Alfonso, you're on.
353
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:16,886
Well, it looks like I'm
in the show after all.
354
00:19:20,658 --> 00:19:23,761
Girls, something terrible
has happened.
355
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:27,898
Gee, and everything was
going so well up until now.
356
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,467
Look at these programs.
Bob Hope's name is still on 'em.
357
00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:32,803
Who's in charge
of the programs?
358
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:36,173
I forgot. I guess I figured
he was gonna come.
359
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:39,076
We have to make an announcement
and refund everybody's money.
360
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,612
And I guess now is
as good a time as any.
361
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,281
Well, this is all my fault.
Let me do it.
362
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:46,317
Oh...
363
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:51,321
And now my beautiful assistant
will step into the magic box.
364
00:19:56,428 --> 00:19:58,729
Alfonso, I need
to make an announcement.
365
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:02,199
Yes, well, take your time.
I forgot the magic words.
366
00:20:04,769 --> 00:20:07,971
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Rose Nylund,
367
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:11,141
and I'm responsible for
what's happened here tonight.
368
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:15,111
Uh... Because of
a silly childish dream,
369
00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:17,347
I let you all down.
370
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:21,418
I had this crazy idea
that I had a special connection
371
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:23,554
to a very special person,
372
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,722
and that's why
on all your programs
373
00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:29,760
it says that the guest celebrity
for tonight's show is...
374
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:31,962
Presto!
375
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,564
Bob Hope!
376
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,332
(cheering and applause)
377
00:20:49,714 --> 00:20:53,216
Hey, I know this show
is for charity,
378
00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:56,854
but that's the smallest dressing
room I've ever had in my life.
379
00:20:58,523 --> 00:21:02,192
Oh, my God,
you're really Mr. Bob Hope.
380
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:06,764
Being this close to you is the
biggest thrill of my life.
381
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:11,669
If you were any closer, there
wouldn't be room for my car keys.
382
00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:13,837
Mr. Hope,
could we impose upon you
383
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,974
to entertain for a few minutes?
384
00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,375
Will I entertain?
385
00:21:18,377 --> 00:21:21,645
I didn't put this makeup on
to go bowling.
386
00:21:21,647 --> 00:21:24,815
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Bob Hope!
387
00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:27,951
(cheers and applause)
Thank you. Thank you.
388
00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:30,854
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
389
00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:32,455
Did you hear...
390
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:36,226
Did you hear that Ronald Reagan
has just moved back to Hollywood?
391
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:39,196
Just what Hollywood needs -
another unemployed actor.
392
00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:40,530
(laughter)
393
00:21:40,532 --> 00:21:42,532
Do you know Reagan left office
394
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:45,102
with the highest
popularity rating since FDR.
395
00:21:45,104 --> 00:21:48,838
He was more popular than Tammy
Bakker at a Maybelline convention.
396
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,407
(laughter)
397
00:21:50,409 --> 00:21:53,777
I can't believe it.
How on earth did he get here?
398
00:21:53,779 --> 00:21:57,847
You know how Alfonso kept talking
about his old vaudeville partner?
399
00:21:57,849 --> 00:22:01,284
It turns out it was Bob Hope.
Isn't that a kick?
400
00:22:04,122 --> 00:22:06,323
Since Ron and Nancy
moved back to California,
401
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:09,193
we've had earthquakes
almost every day.
402
00:22:09,195 --> 00:22:11,428
Do you think God
could be a Democrat?
403
00:22:11,430 --> 00:22:15,032
(laughter and applause)
404
00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:17,368
But earthquakes
don't bother the president.
405
00:22:17,370 --> 00:22:20,103
If Sam Donaldson couldn't
shake him up, nothin' will.
406
00:22:20,105 --> 00:22:21,638
(laughter)
407
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,340
Oh, Rose, I think we owe
you an apology, honey.
408
00:22:24,342 --> 00:22:26,342
You were right after all.
409
00:22:26,344 --> 00:22:28,344
You don't owe me any apology.
410
00:22:28,346 --> 00:22:30,346
This was a lucky coincidence.
411
00:22:30,348 --> 00:22:32,383
I'm just glad
it all worked out.
412
00:22:32,385 --> 00:22:34,350
Boy, but I have learned
one lesson -
413
00:22:34,352 --> 00:22:38,422
no more silly daydreams for me.
414
00:22:38,424 --> 00:22:40,356
Now, Nancy Reagan
has mixed feelings
415
00:22:40,358 --> 00:22:42,492
about moving back
to California.
416
00:22:42,494 --> 00:22:47,598
She's afraid her husband might not have as
much free time to spend with her anymore.
417
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:48,866
(laughter)
418
00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:52,336
Thanks, Dad.
419
00:22:52,338 --> 00:22:54,370
(applause)